subway 12/10/09

before subway had their walking weight loss story, jarod/jarrod/jared/whatever, i knew them by their jingle "subway, eat fresh!"

well i've thought about it and i think they should change their jingle to something along the lines of "subway, eat stale!"

i know it's not nearly as catchy, but the $5 bill i paid with was probably made more recently than most of the sandwich it bought.

let's review the bread. freshly baked? please define freshly, good sir. i know you think you're fooling me by pulling it out of an oven, but know how i can tell you're full of shit? because oven-fresh bread isn't colder than a cadaver.

oh the cheese is fresh, perhaps? not according to the sticker that says "miercoles" on it. i might be white, but i know that miercoles is spanish for "that shit went bad yesterday." and my taste buds confirmed it.

tomatoes? no, not fresh. tomatoes aren't pink, but nice try.

olives? too delicious to be fresh. from a can.

pickles are, by definition, not fresh.

mayonnaise? LOL.

salt and pepper? i don't think so. it tasted like a cupboard. i think the salt was held over from when it used to be a currency.

i mean, i really can't complain too much because i had one foot of food for $5 and it probably was more fiber than i've had in the past week. i just wish that they weren't trying to trick me into thinking i'm eating anything fresh.

chocolate pizza?

i've always rolled my eyes at novelty pizzas. when dairy queen offered that frozen ice cream pizza thing in the 90s, i was disgusted.

"pizza's already junk, who wants it to be even junkier?"

fifteen years later, apparently i do.

i thought we were joking: "haha, let's get a chocolate pizza." sort of like, "haha, let's go to vegas, get drunk and then get married." it seems like such a trashy, vulgar idea that no one would ever want to draw it into reality. but we did.

i'm not quite sure how the pizza guys did this. the crust was an 18" sheet (there were two of us, after all) that had been split and the bottom piece, slathered with nutella. (pause: i know, i know, if you've ever traveled to europe, you probably discovered nutella on the same trip that you discovered manu chao and you think it's a godsend, you may have even just moaned, europe is so much better than america, blah, blah, blah.) the crusts were then sealed back together, covered with powdered sugar, strawberries and some other chocolate sauce, that may have been nutella but i'm not really sure on account of i lost all sensation in my mouth from the sugar burn.

this was maybe the first time i didn't finish a pizza.

i don't really know what to say. delicious, overwhelming, america's coq au vin...

non-sequitor: i once had a french friend offer me "american champagne." it was coca-cola.

the most interesting thing about this pizza is that it shows, in one quick glance, everything that is wrong and everything that is right with america.