penance 10/14/09

this was dinner.

even by my own barely there standards, last night's grazing was disgusting. i felt weird all day with a cloudy food headache. i knew that i'd be "good" today, but i didn't think i'd be "cottage cheese for dinner" good.

and i worked out. for the first time in at least six months, i broke a sweat voluntarily. for 30 minutes, i peddled furiously on a stationary bike, at the end of which my heart was beating so hard my stomach fat was gently rippling along with it as i stood still. i climbed into the shower a sweaty, feeble mess and experienced the simultaneous sensation of needing to vomit and wanting to collapse. i stared up at the light so that i could tell people i saw a white light, too.

i rushed through my soaping, pulled my clothes onto my still wet body and made it to the kitchen where i downed half a gallon of water. my mom always told me to have saltines and orange juice handy for diabetic friends, but i hate saltines and, to the best of my knowledge, am not diabetic, so i just drank the orange juice to stabilize myself.

i moseyed into the living room and collapsed on the couch, listening to my stomach slosh as i settled in.

i must have fallen asleep- or maybe it goes from afternoon to night in zero seconds around here.

anyway, i'm here now, eyefucking the chocolate bar on the counter about 10 feet from me, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i think i had the food equivalent of a brush with death last night and nothing tastes good enough for me to get back on the abu ghraib hell bike.