in-d-in 10/8/09

indian food is remarkably consistent. no matter where you are on the planet, if you can find a strip mall, you can find an indian restaurant. flavors vary, of course, but there are a couple steadfast rules about indian food that every restaurant follows:

1. everything you eat will leave behind an oil slick
2. all salads will contain lettuce that is closer to yellow than green
3. the rice will always be adulterated with peas
4. a cardamom pod will always ruin at least one bite
5. you will never recognize more than a third of the menu items
6. there's no such thing as a free lunch at an indian restaurant, but there is such a thing as a buffet lunch, and that's the only kind you'll be offered
8. actually, there's no such thing as a free anything at an indian restaurant; not rice, not bread, and no supplement costs less than $3.50
7. when you want to order, you'll have to wait 20 minutes, but when you take even one sip of water, your waiter will show up immediately to refill your glass
8. all napkins in indian restaurants are over-starched and will scrape your face when you wipe your mouth
9. your dessert will be so sweet that your teeth will want to jump out of your mouth. you will suffer sugar burn
10. at least one of your fingernails will be stained yellow by the end of your meal

i love indian food, but i love eating in indian restaurants even more.