airplane food 10/21/09

I love being in different places, but I hate traveling. There’s not a bone in my body that lives for the thrill of getting ass tingle from sitting in a cramped airplane cabin for 10 hours.

I could tell you how pissed I am that the wench in front of me has pushed her seat back to a 180 degree angle, thereby forcing me to position my computer like a clam with a poor range of motion so that I can’t see the screen. I could also tell you about the number of ass cheeks (none of them desirable) that have grazed my elbow since I took off. But I won’t.

What I will tell you about is the airplane “food” I was served.

The most annoying question I ever get is, “Hey, can you do me a favor?” but the second most annoying is “What do vegetarians eat besides vegetables?” Since people have evidently decided to classify fruit, grains, dairy, nuts and soy as “meat,” my response is usually, “Nothing. Just vegetables.”

Well, ha-fucking-ha Air France, the joke’s on me. Look at this:

That was my entrée, my main attraction. Potatoes. Carrots. Squash.

Obviously, Air France has undertaken the task of slapping me in the face for being vegetarian. I know that cheese ravioli is an endangered species and so I would never ask for something that outrageous, but vegetable boil was the best they could do?

Since I only eat vegetables, they probably figured I just couldn’t get enough of their Grade-F produce, so they also gave me this:

There’s more nutritional value in the plastic wrap than that dumb tomato.

And then there was this guy:

Pour it on, you say?

Fat chance, asshole.

I don’t like being told what to do, particularly by Lysol dressing.

And besides, even if I wanted to cooperate, where would I put you? On the rigor mortis lettuce? No.

I had planned to sleep on the plane, but since that hasn’t happened, I’ll just think of ways to get even with Air France. Maybe I’ll sneak some ketchup through next time and douse everyone else’s food with it.

Vegetarians don’t mess around, ask my friends at PETA.